I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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