Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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