I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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