I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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