I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
