I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
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