just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
