She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
