I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
