every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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