Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We had sex on a dog bed..
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
