just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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