We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My pussy is not your playground.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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