Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
