the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
