you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
