Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
