Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize