life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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