Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
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