This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
