I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I skipped work to stalk him.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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