you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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