we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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