Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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