I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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