Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
