If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
