I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
