I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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