i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
