After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
