I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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