Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
