the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
