Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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