i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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