It's Friday. Sex?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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