i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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