Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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