he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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