I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize