he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
