Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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