did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
