I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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