I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
