I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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