she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
