There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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