my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize