Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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