I'm gonna have a badass scar
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
