i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
