meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize