She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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