i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
