They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
