coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
