I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
